The Alex Show - Episode 60

There are certain things you can never forget no matter how hard you try. In fact, trying to forget something only makes it more probable to remember. The short term memory span dissipates after twenty seconds. Once you fixate on something for more than twenty seconds, you are set to remember it - at least for a considerable amount of time.
Time.
They say it heals all wounds.
Time does not heal paralysis. Time does not heal death. And worse, time does not heal a broken heart.
It's funny how they call it a broken heart when so often the heart was something already broken, and in some cases nonexistent. You cannot break something that's already been broken. Sure, you can sunder the pieces till they are an innumerable amount of shattered shards, but whether there are a billion pieces or only two, they will never be one again.
That's why true lovers know that heartbreak does not reside in the heart. It's a twinge in the pith of your stomach. It twists and turns like gears in a clock until the constant motin erodes the very gears keeping it moving, and much like time - and all the good it does in healing wounds - it stops. Numbness ensues. It is only in times like these that you truly appreciate the twinge. You miss it sincerely, because at least when you felt pain you felt something.
There are certain things you should never forget no matter how hard you wish to try. You can ignore your thoughts. You can ignore your heart. Do not ignore your stomach.
Or else you will starve to death.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 59

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

ALEX: I haven't slept the past two nights for intervals longer than thirty minutes. I keep having these realistic, vivid dreams. Dreams where you and I are talking at the bar, or dreams of getting up and going to work; dreams of fighting with her. I swear, I've lived a whole week within this time. I woke up at 5AM today thinking it was Saturday. It isn't.

____: I'm sorry. That must be confusing.

ALEX: I think I'll try this _-____ _____ was talking about. Trying something is better than nothing at this point.

____: I feel you.

ALEX: I can't keep my eyes open, ____. I'm drinking coffee right now. I never drink coffee.

____: Do you use any kind of white noise to conceal your thoughts? There's nothing worse than sleeping in utter silence when your own thoughts are the sole things keeping you awake.

ALEX: I have a fan.

____: That's good. And do you have a routine?

ALEX: A routine? Give me an example.

____: You know, certain things you do to get restful. For me there's a whole process of getting undressed, doing girl shit, figuring out what I'm wearing tomorrow, etc. It's the routine I have to complete before I can even attempt sleep.

ALEX: Drink all the alcohol. That's generally my routine.

____: Well, being that we already established that toxic nightcaps are 100% counterintuitive... anything else?

ALEX: Lots of sex always helped.

____: Does masturbating not do the trick?

ALEX: Masturbating takes five minutes. Sex takes... longer than that. It is a tad bit more physical.

____: Then maybe you should exercise to exhaustion and then rub one out. What then?

ALEX: Hah. I guess that's about the same. You and ___ were ranting about how you need your space to sleep, but honestly, I think I've grown accustomed to sleeping with someone else. Not so much "someone else," but _____ was my drug. Less nightmares, less awakenings, more consistent sleep when I was with her... even when I was sober.

____: That's what I'm getting at, Alex. It has to do with comfort. Same as it is for ___ and me as it is for you. What makes you comfortable is very different from us, however, it's about what makes us all feel at ease. It's all a head-game. It sucks to realize that, but it's true. If you want to fall asleep comfortably, it's all about routine.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

She was my routine.

- afm

a diamond

a diamond
is a rock
that was spitted
and shined
and priced
and named
and made
into more
than what
it truly was
and perhaps
as brilliant
as you
may shine
you are one
in the same.

- afm

To Be Seen

I used to see the light
Through different eyes
But now I realize
That my eyes are the same
Only
They have been blinded
By the very attraction
In which they were taken
Now when I feel inclined
To open my eyes
I keep them closed
I suppose
The light was never meant
To be seen.

- afm

Like Father, Like Sons (1/2)

For countless nights I ran

For countless miles

In fear that someone was in pursuit of me.
Suspended in time,

Suspended in my own denial

I misconstrued the chase.
I made up the place, its scenery.
"Forgive me, I'm weak.

Forget what you feared in me,"

Cried the voice calling out from my feet.

"Forget what you seek,

I am the shadow beneath."
(All along it was my shadow, but unlike yours it did not follow),
But instead took me to your bed

Where the crows were picking at your reddened rosary.

A shadow impeding,

The crows keep feeding.

While history repeats, I'll scatter the ashes.
I'm faking sleep while time elapses.
Give us this day our morning masses.
The mourning can wait while the body relapses.

To reach the end is a false hope.
I'm playing pretend in order to cope
With the inevitable cycle of becoming the horror
I considered an idol.

To reach the end is a false hope.
I'm playing pretend in order to cope
With the inevitable cycle of becoming the horror
I once so gladly feared.

Your shadow is sleeping,

Enjoy the reaping.

- afm