Friday, August 2, 2013

The Alex Show - Episode 56

Everything has been placed. The script is tight and perfectly executed. There is hardly room for improvisation. The outcome: uncertain. But is that not what you want? Uncertainty? If everything goes according to plan then there isn't much to look forward to. A foreseeable future isn't a future at all. Sure, the unknown can be nerve-wracking. It's a gamble, but that's what makes it so great. If you know you are going to win every time then winning will eventually feel like nothing. You won't inherit that sense of achievement. You won't feel like you've conquered anything. In the end, it may even feel like losing. When you gamble, however, there is the fear of losing and the hope of winning. It is the uncertainty that entices you.

Polarity. It is so similar to the idea of gambling to me. It has that 50/50 chance. Everything is leveled out, fair. "All truths are but half truths, and every truth is half false." The principle of polarity has been overused here. Some paradoxes I have encountered - or that have been thrown at me, rather - cannot be reconciled. I enjoy the gamble. I appreciate the contradictions. I simply want to be the conductor. Far too many times I have let someone in, only to discover that there is no way out. They reside in me for eternity, prisoners to my own cell, yet I am the captive.

Love makes it impossible at times to control our emotions. We are the marionettes, the other the puppeteer, and love is the strings. The inability to conduct how we think or feel can be frightening, especially when that power is unwillingly - and sometimes unknowingly - granted to another person. In order for some people to trust another, they have to discover a certain amount of vulnerability in the other. Once they learn that they are not alone in their helplessness, it is now alright to feel that way. I would have to disagree. Now both people are open, but wounded and exposed. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I have recently re-learned (the hard way) that I do not need to be open in order to relate. In fact, I don't need to relate at all. I have been called a rock in many relationships, both romantic and platonic ones. It's funny how people seek comfort in a rock. They expect a rock to be opened without it breaking. Maybe it will be different the next time. Then again, maybe there won't be a next time, but if there is maybe I will open up. After all, I do like to gamble.

- afm

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