The Alex Show - Episode 62

The (currently illustrious) leading actress acquires a new mobile device.

Delete contact.

Add to contacts.

Sync.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

ALEX: Did you sync your contacts?

____: No. Is this Alex?

ASIDE: I must confess, I don't know her digits by heart, but if I were to see them I would know them to be hers. At least she guessed correctly. More importantly, I was the first guess.

ALEX: Yes, ma'am.

____: Hi! I'm painting, but not having much luck.

ALEX: Take a break if need be. I'm sure it will turn out fine in the end. You still owe me pictures of what you've been working on.

____: No updates. It was only the one thing. I don't paint much anymore. Maybe I'll send you a picture when I'm finished.

ASIDE: "Art is never finished, only abandoned." The same goes for love.

ALEX: That makes me sad. I like your paintings. Maybe you're merely stockpiling all this immense talent, and soon -  when you least expect it - it will pour out onto the canvas. Maybe tonight is that night. Maybe not. There will always be other nights. Regardless, send me one when you're done.

____: It all the looks the same to me. But I'll try. Why are you always so great?

ALEX: The great things you think I say are nothing more than a meager reflection of your work.

____:

____:

____: It already looks better. I miss you.

ALEX: I miss you too, pretty lady.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

Delete contact.

Add to memory.

Sink.

The Alex Show - Episode 61

This isn't a dream.
You're not going to wake up one day and start from the beginning.
You're not going to wake up one day and start from where you wish you left off.
You're not going to wake up one day.

And if it is a dream,
What have you got to lose?

- afm

phrases that don't make any fucking sense

out of your mind: it's far more sane out there
remarkable: you can remark on anything. the connotation doesn't have to be positive
the early bird gets the worm: there is more than one worm per day
one-night stand: the majority of one said night is not spent standing
as easy as pie: 3.14159265359...
break the ice: now you can fall through and freeze to death, genius
gut feeling: you're hungry
head over heels: isn't that where most heads are located?
high and dry: better than being down and wet
money doesn't grow on trees: other things do... and you can sell them
short end of the stick: you're fighting over a stick. why?
there's no "I" in "TEAM": but there is a "ME" and there is not a "WE"
top drawer: I don't know about you, but that's where I keep my socks and underwear
what goes up must come down: not if it escapes earth's gravitational pull, idiot!
wouldn't harm a fly: flyswatter
you can't teach an old dog new tricks: play dead… and stay that way. ta fucking da

The Assailant

I trampled the pavement with a steady cadence.
My soles are worn. My soul is flagrant.
I cured your ailment with my own inhalant.
You breathed me in. I choked in silence.
I buried your fragrance with countless vagrants.
My bed is full. My heart is vacant.
When it came time for my bereavement
There was no mourner, only a patient.

I thought I cured your ailment.
But it turns out to be that you were the assailant.
You shot right through me,
But the pain was the only thing that knew me.
As the tissue breaks, the shards start to divide me.
How can you move on while the pieces move inside me?
Still, I refuse to remove the wounds you gave me.
And the doctors say there's no other way to save me,
But if I already lost you don't go on and save me.
Deprave me.

Post by Alex McCurdy.

reckless

you made one revision/ a circumstantial indecision/ acting on the very actions/ that you once considered main attractions/ now they're the reason for your disposition/ despising your own exposition/ there is no reason/ there is no reason for your discontent/ there are no faults/ no faults to repent/ there are no means/ no means to resent

misplaced and out of shape/ out of touch and laid to waste/ by the very souls/ you once controlled/ it's funny how we all create/ a different time, a different place/ while the future holds its own toll/ the road ahead is misconstrued/ you can travel through/ but only for a price/ forget the course you thought you knew/ that was my best advice/ the advice you threw/ there is no vice/ to subdue you

- afm

Coffin Nail

Use me like a cigarette.

Let my chemicals affect you.

Inhale my toxins as you burn me down.

Disregard the open threats.

Embrace my gentle decadence.

There lies no caution where cares cannot be found.

One final puff
Then you can snuff me
In the ground.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 60

There are certain things you can never forget no matter how hard you try. In fact, trying to forget something only makes it more probable to remember. The short term memory span dissipates after twenty seconds. Once you fixate on something for more than twenty seconds, you are set to remember it - at least for a considerable amount of time.
Time.
They say it heals all wounds.
Time does not heal paralysis. Time does not heal death. And worse, time does not heal a broken heart.
It's funny how they call it a broken heart when so often the heart was something already broken, and in some cases nonexistent. You cannot break something that's already been broken. Sure, you can sunder the pieces till they are an innumerable amount of shattered shards, but whether there are a billion pieces or only two, they will never be one again.
That's why true lovers know that heartbreak does not reside in the heart. It's a twinge in the pith of your stomach. It twists and turns like gears in a clock until the constant motin erodes the very gears keeping it moving, and much like time - and all the good it does in healing wounds - it stops. Numbness ensues. It is only in times like these that you truly appreciate the twinge. You miss it sincerely, because at least when you felt pain you felt something.
There are certain things you should never forget no matter how hard you wish to try. You can ignore your thoughts. You can ignore your heart. Do not ignore your stomach.
Or else you will starve to death.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 59

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

ALEX: I haven't slept the past two nights for intervals longer than thirty minutes. I keep having these realistic, vivid dreams. Dreams where you and I are talking at the bar, or dreams of getting up and going to work; dreams of fighting with her. I swear, I've lived a whole week within this time. I woke up at 5AM today thinking it was Saturday. It isn't.

____: I'm sorry. That must be confusing.

ALEX: I think I'll try this _-____ _____ was talking about. Trying something is better than nothing at this point.

____: I feel you.

ALEX: I can't keep my eyes open, ____. I'm drinking coffee right now. I never drink coffee.

____: Do you use any kind of white noise to conceal your thoughts? There's nothing worse than sleeping in utter silence when your own thoughts are the sole things keeping you awake.

ALEX: I have a fan.

____: That's good. And do you have a routine?

ALEX: A routine? Give me an example.

____: You know, certain things you do to get restful. For me there's a whole process of getting undressed, doing girl shit, figuring out what I'm wearing tomorrow, etc. It's the routine I have to complete before I can even attempt sleep.

ALEX: Drink all the alcohol. That's generally my routine.

____: Well, being that we already established that toxic nightcaps are 100% counterintuitive... anything else?

ALEX: Lots of sex always helped.

____: Does masturbating not do the trick?

ALEX: Masturbating takes five minutes. Sex takes... longer than that. It is a tad bit more physical.

____: Then maybe you should exercise to exhaustion and then rub one out. What then?

ALEX: Hah. I guess that's about the same. You and ___ were ranting about how you need your space to sleep, but honestly, I think I've grown accustomed to sleeping with someone else. Not so much "someone else," but _____ was my drug. Less nightmares, less awakenings, more consistent sleep when I was with her... even when I was sober.

____: That's what I'm getting at, Alex. It has to do with comfort. Same as it is for ___ and me as it is for you. What makes you comfortable is very different from us, however, it's about what makes us all feel at ease. It's all a head-game. It sucks to realize that, but it's true. If you want to fall asleep comfortably, it's all about routine.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

She was my routine.

- afm

a diamond

a diamond
is a rock
that was spitted
and shined
and priced
and named
and made
into more
than what
it truly was
and perhaps
as brilliant
as you
may shine
you are one
in the same.

- afm

To Be Seen

I used to see the light
Through different eyes
But now I realize
That my eyes are the same
Only
They have been blinded
By the very attraction
In which they were taken
Now when I feel inclined
To open my eyes
I keep them closed
I suppose
The light was never meant
To be seen.

- afm

Like Father, Like Sons (1/2)

For countless nights I ran

For countless miles

In fear that someone was in pursuit of me.
Suspended in time,

Suspended in my own denial

I misconstrued the chase.
I made up the place, its scenery.
"Forgive me, I'm weak.

Forget what you feared in me,"

Cried the voice calling out from my feet.

"Forget what you seek,

I am the shadow beneath."
(All along it was my shadow, but unlike yours it did not follow),
But instead took me to your bed

Where the crows were picking at your reddened rosary.

A shadow impeding,

The crows keep feeding.

While history repeats, I'll scatter the ashes.
I'm faking sleep while time elapses.
Give us this day our morning masses.
The mourning can wait while the body relapses.

To reach the end is a false hope.
I'm playing pretend in order to cope
With the inevitable cycle of becoming the horror
I considered an idol.

To reach the end is a false hope.
I'm playing pretend in order to cope
With the inevitable cycle of becoming the horror
I once so gladly feared.

Your shadow is sleeping,

Enjoy the reaping.

- afm

Fragile:

Fragile:
Handle with care.
I stay away from those boxes.
I don't like the ones that stay
Right-side up.
I want to toss them around
Into any position I please.
I want to throw them
Across the room
Without worrying about them
Breaking,
That way
If they do break,
I know it wasn't
Because they were fragile.
It was because of me.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 58

____: I'll come over after dinner?

ALEX: Ahorita!

____: What's "ahorita?"

ALEX: Right now. In this very moment I am missing you, and in the very moment following this very moment, I will be missing you even more.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

You'll never remember the rest. 

- afm

two stones

there are two stones
similar in shape
and size
jagged
there are two stones
similar in height
and weight
rigid
there are two stones
different in shape
and size
fitted
there are two stones
different in height
and weight
frigid
there are two stones
they are unlike
the guise
shifted

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 57

Sometimes when I'm sad I yell at my ice cream. There's nothing quite like screaming at the things you devour.

My love for you is like ice cream. 
I want you all the time,
But you're bad for me. 
You make my tummy hurt. 
You're cold.
My love for you is like ice cream.
I always devour the things that I love. 

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 56

Everything has been placed. The script is tight and perfectly executed. There is hardly room for improvisation. The outcome: uncertain. But is that not what you want? Uncertainty? If everything goes according to plan then there isn't much to look forward to. A foreseeable future isn't a future at all. Sure, the unknown can be nerve-wracking. It's a gamble, but that's what makes it so great. If you know you are going to win every time then winning will eventually feel like nothing. You won't inherit that sense of achievement. You won't feel like you've conquered anything. In the end, it may even feel like losing. When you gamble, however, there is the fear of losing and the hope of winning. It is the uncertainty that entices you.

Polarity. It is so similar to the idea of gambling to me. It has that 50/50 chance. Everything is leveled out, fair. "All truths are but half truths, and every truth is half false." The principle of polarity has been overused here. Some paradoxes I have encountered - or that have been thrown at me, rather - cannot be reconciled. I enjoy the gamble. I appreciate the contradictions. I simply want to be the conductor. Far too many times I have let someone in, only to discover that there is no way out. They reside in me for eternity, prisoners to my own cell, yet I am the captive.

Love makes it impossible at times to control our emotions. We are the marionettes, the other the puppeteer, and love is the strings. The inability to conduct how we think or feel can be frightening, especially when that power is unwillingly - and sometimes unknowingly - granted to another person. In order for some people to trust another, they have to discover a certain amount of vulnerability in the other. Once they learn that they are not alone in their helplessness, it is now alright to feel that way. I would have to disagree. Now both people are open, but wounded and exposed. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I have recently re-learned (the hard way) that I do not need to be open in order to relate. In fact, I don't need to relate at all. I have been called a rock in many relationships, both romantic and platonic ones. It's funny how people seek comfort in a rock. They expect a rock to be opened without it breaking. Maybe it will be different the next time. Then again, maybe there won't be a next time, but if there is maybe I will open up. After all, I do like to gamble.

- afm

MK

Breathe in eternal life/ fold yourself into mine

Take back/ my picture-perfect mind
I obsessed over this sketch/ I drew the outlines to this fixation
Now it's up to me/ to erase them

I can't send your past into the nothingness/ the truth will always find you
I can't blend your past into the hourglass/ the sand will always fall through
I can't mend your past/  The hourglass can't be overturned
But what about the witches turn?

As we fall into another place I never wanted to be,
I will not strain on words you choose not to believe.

Disconnected and spiraling/ we are forged by the disbelief of immanency
We're coming undone
Disconnected and spiraling/ purging life itself into my musty dwelling
But never telling...
My sire will come

Beg/ before the presence of your soulless God
Beg/ to release the colors of your past
Beg/ before the cowards' eyes
Beg/ into his callous eyes
Beg/ into his eyes

And you toss my words away.
Well, I'm better off astray.
Your soul's a precious thing that can't be saved.

And on this dark day
I cannot turn into the thing I always feared/ But needed to be
And now my wicked mind/ will surely takes its turn/ and watch as the world burns

As we fall into another place I never wanted to be,
I will not strain on words you choose not to believe.
And you toss my words away.
Well, I'm better off astray.
Your soul's a precious thing that can't be saved.

prelude v. IV

It's a trail on golden rails
Toward the lasting carbon.
For some this time is going back,
But I won't stop.
This trip is forged by fire.
Fire on fire.
To salt these wounds
And call them out...
To call them in is what,
A fire?

The Alex Show - Episode 55

There is no such thing as a constructive solution.
I just need a destructive distraction.

- afm

down the river

i've been drifting for a moment
the river is my new atonement
i can move without moving
a muscle
there is no struggle
and as all my troubles
float away
i find myself beside myself
so befuddled before
but now i'm restored
the noises have ceased
the chaos no more
there is only the river
a constant giver
delivering the last of me
to a state of peace
far beneath the surface
i deserve this
i proclaimed it
and soon
i will obtain it
so keep me moving
for the remnants are looming

- afm

the white of the light

the sound of the clock tick tick ticking the taste of syrup stick stick sticking to my tongue the room has spun the couch is a twist n spin i twist the paper the paper spins i inhale the lighter i take it in it takes me in bittersweet release such a tease the room's at ease you call that a motif i call it self-righteousness i call you a thief stealing control dealing souls where will mine end up in whose hands if any maybe the bounty was plenty or distributed by twenty regardless i lost the process of thought or so i've been taught to abandon the search so here i perch atop the pedestal they gave me the road they paved me covered in thorns and the cuts were an entry an entry to a world of slavery was this not medicine you gave me or did the light not save me?

- afm

the center

i have drawn out the outlines
but i can't fill in the blanks
the contents spill to the outside
there's no more blood in the bank
i have my conscience to thank

there's an endless canvas of earth
a whitened slate wiped clean
it's no more tainted than birth
yet it won't glisten or gleam
i'm not as pure as i seem

the color of my pallid skin
is colorless
the content of my weary head
is emptiness
but my heart keeps pressing on
long after feeling is gone
my heart keeps pressing on
the rest of me's withdrawn

- afm

Dismantlepiece

new rap track

"You took my breath away." I ain't givin it back!
"You stole my heart." Then it can't have an attack.
As a matter of fact, I nailed your heart to a plaque.
Now it's sitting on my mantle (burning, burning)
Next to all the others hearts from all the bitches I dismantled.
I snuffed you out like wind to a candle.
You're a defaced piece of property, and I was the vandal,
But you're back in three days like Jesus in his sandals,
A masochist begging to be mishandled.
I'm lending you a hand. I'm helping you out.
I was never your man, I was never your spouse.
I'm as fake as your tan. I'm as deep as your blouse,
Cuz it's up to your chin. How come you're never aroused?
Play the Notebook again? I'd rather kill myself.
I'm not a Ryan. I'll never build you a house.
If it's fiction you believe in then go fuck an elf,
And stop pretending that you don't do this to yourself.
If I'm a bird, you're a swallow.
If that hurts then go wallow.
Is it so absurd that I'm hollow?
If you don't like where I'm heading, don't follow.
What don't you understand? No hablo?
Then let me translate it: diablo!
Diablo! Diablo! Yo soy el diablo.
Is it so absurd that I'm hollow?
You're drowning in a man whose waters are shallow.

I am the prick who put baby in a corner.
I'm an FOB, but I ain't a foreigner.
I redefined the term, so try be a learner.
I Fuck Over Bitches.
I burn all my bridges.
I leave em in the ditches and throw them a quarter.
Go buy yourself a gum ball.
Go suck dick in a bathroom stall.
Bitch, I don't really care at all
If you drink more semen like a mariner,
Or wind up naked hangin' out with the coroners.
How them heels feel on the corner?
Them sad fat fucks say, "Come over.
Get in," so they can try to get it in
After three blue pills for failed boners.

Now you a loner,
But you've always been.
You used to it.
It ain't a secret.
You bask in it.
You love it.
If lonely was a dick then you'd fuck it.

- MC Curdy

new rap track

The Latest Arrangement

Run faster to the sound of her voice
Telling you to lock your doors, boy.
Religiously, I'll set in several more
To save them from the girl whose message reads,

"Careful! When you are out 
And not on a leash. 
Get in, or this door might be closing."

Tainted by the truth.
Misled by roseate lies
From when we were younger. 
And I hope the grass will still be cut
When no one's home.
Make them read,

"Careful! When you are out 
And not on a leash. 
Get in, or this door might be closing."

I'll miss you so.
I'll miss you when you're gone. 

"I'll miss you, son. 
I'll miss you when I'm gone."

Daylight is calling to me,
And I'm calling out to it.
My plight is not to speak,
For we'd be free if we could just...

- afm circa January 2007

The Alex Show - Episode 54

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

____: I think we should pull the plug.

ALEX: I would, but all I see is an empty outlet.

____:

ALEX: I know the end is inevitable. Maybe we should all just kill ourselves. But I don't want to die yet.

ASIDE: At least not in this moment.

ALEX: And I don't want this to either.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

An empty outlet. There was no plug to pull.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode - 53

Every thought has been preconceived, but not every preconception has been said.

- afm

In the Wind (reprise)

Trunks
Branches
Leaves
Three
Separate
Components
One
Being
Yet
They
All
Move
Different
In the wind.

Roots
Don't
Forget
The roots
The core
Unaffected
By the wind
On
The other hand
The wind
Affects the leaves
The leaves affect
The branches
The branches
Affect the trunks
The trunks affect
The roots
The wind
Don't
Forget
The wind.

- afm

In the Wind

Trunks
Branches
Leaves
Three
Separate
Components
One
Being
Yet
They
All
Move
Different
In the wind.

- afm

Teammate

"There's no I in TEAM."
But there is a ME, and there isn't a WE.

However,
You can't spell TEAM without MATE.
TEAM MATE.
TEAMMATES.
Boom.
Coined it.
Print that poster.

- afm

interred

forever unseen

forever unheard

forever a dream

forever deferred

forever the chase

forever stirred

forever replaced

by never

interred.

- afm

pee

Every girl deserves to pee like a boy.

Work. Wirk? Wurk.

Pork
Stork
Fork
Cork
York
Work.

Really?

The Buyer in the Pyre

The Seller in the Cellar

A wine becomes better with age,
But once it's gone it's just the same
As a cheap, deficient case.
Drink a bottle, throw your checks
Under tables. Sometimes the effect
Is worth much more than the taste.

You won't be wasting your time
On me.
The bottle is empty
Cleverly matching the climb.
Falling.

You're too scared to show
You're too scared to know
What you really were,
What you really are.
Yes, you're scared to show
You're too scared to know
Who you really were,
Who you really are.
Your reflection looks consistent
Either way.

The Body in the Fire 

Time is money. You spend what's left
Of your earnings on a quicker death.
Shorter days, smaller checks.
Smoking burns the demons down,
But while killing them you kill yourself.
Better days, shorter breaths.

You won't be hasty
When smoke is creating those lines
Around your cheeks.
Your sight is hazy.
You tell yourself that everything is fine.
Learn to smile without the crease.

You're too scared to show
You're too scared to know
What you really were,
What you really are.
Yes, you're scared to show
You're too scared to know
Who you really were,
Who you really are.
Your reflection looks consistent
Either way.

The Buyer in the Pyre

Drink away everything.
Drown your demons.
Smoke away everything.
Burn your demons.
Wash away everything.
Cleaning the mirror
Won't make the vision clearer.
Your reflection looks consistent
Either way.

- afm

Fortune Cookie 101 - I

Only after retaining logic can the mind inherit strength.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 52

____: Sleep, why can't I find you?!

ALEX: Stop looking, and it will find you.

____: Sleep never finds you, Alex. You never sleep!

ALEX: ____, you know I don't believe in it.

____: Then how can you speak for something you do not believe in?

ALEX: Fine, fine. I do believe in it. I've always been a pro at hide-n-seek. Maybe that's why sleep cannot find me - I don't want it to.

____: Whoa. A pro at hide-n-seek? I didn't know one could go pro.

ALEX: Depends on what you're hiding from.

____: What else do you hide from, Alex?

ALEX: Whatever chases me.

____: What if whatever is chasing you is awesome, and you just don't know it because you're too busy hiding?

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

I've know the answer for far too long now.

- afm

its coffin

there is nothing alluring

beneath the surface

yet there is this sentence

there is its existence

there is yours

and every so often

it awakes from its coffin

and sneaks into mine

it just lies there

same as it did in its own

but lonely loves (my) company

so here we lie

in comfortable silence

irony at its finest

killing you with kindness

silent

so silent

without a license i still drive you

to the cliff

you've reached it before

all on your own

but then you held the wheel

you could grip it and feel

the motions

then you were grounded

now uprooted 

like a tree

dead

on its side

until the outside

moved your wooden hide

and carved you into mine

i lie in it often

your body

the coffin

its existence

gone in an instant

yet there is this sentence

the surface is endless

who needs the contents?

- afm

Cardboard Boxes and Little Houses

My body is weak.
My memory deceives.
My nature is cold
And condescending.
Your body is bleak.
Your memory repeats.
Your nature is bold,
But you're just pretending.

So let's get dolled up.
Let's play dress up
For a little while
Before we throw our smiles,
And we wake back up.

My eyes have grown tired.
My mind is still wired.
My bedroom is cold,
The walls unbending.
Your eyes are both liars.
Your mind will retire.
Your bedroom is old,
The sheets are blending.

After all these days,
After all this hate,
I'm still faking to miss you.

So let's get dolled up.
Let's play dress up
For a little while
Before we throw our smiles,
And we wake back up.

We're building little houses
Out of cardboard boxes.
Hanging the paintings we made
Out of strange things
We found on the ground
In the Spring.
Cutting windows with scissors
And taping
Plastic mirrors across the ceiling,
So we can see ourselves
As we're making...

So let's come back down.
Let's take it down
For a century
Because reality
Awaits for us.

- afm

cumstick

sometimes... i don't even know

One Bedroom Tango

I'm in love.
I'm in love.
I'm in love with the idea of being by myself.
Whether I'm falling in or out, I'm in love.

That's the funny thing
You're always falling
Trying to get up,
But you're always falling.
And if you're standing then it's stagnant,
Standstill, numbness.
So just let go.
Keep falling.

For just this once I want to sit in it.
Breathe it in
Without breathing out
Any feelings of doubt
Without choking on the fear
That I could breathe in air
That is far more clear.
I guess I'll take a different route.
So I exhale
Cuz my lungs fail
To hold me up and keep me intact.
(Falling, falling)
My organs flail
Like a styrofoam cup with a thumbtack in it
And once you take it out
I pour out
Every ounce of love
Every spec of trust
Filling that empty cup with fear
And boundless doubt.
Love turns to lust.
I hope you're ready for the drought.

I'm in love.
I'm in love.
I'm in love with the idea of being by myself.
Whether I'm falling in or out, I'm in love.

"I said I loved you. What happend?
You said you loved me. What happened?!"
I put a spell on you, girl, like magic,
But you believed it to be real.
Now that's tragic.

I'm always drunk.
All I do is drink.
I puke in public restrooms
And piss in every sink.
I'm always on the brink of fighting
The first motherfucker
Across the bar from afar
To mean mug me,
But secretly I know I'll never do it.
It's the same variety as my sobriety,
Secretly I know that I'll never do it.
So come at me bro. Commit to it.
I have other vices
Of all shapes and sizes.
Latin, african, and asian spices.
In a time of crisis I can hit em up,
Fuck,
But it never suffices to the way I feel
When I'm with you.
At least that's what I say
To each and every one of them every single night
And every single day I want them outta my sight.
Now that's the kinda fight I can live without.
After they ride me out
I ride it out.
I listen to their problems,
Head nods, sobbin.
Sad facts, shoulder pats,
Thigh tats, fine ass.
Fuck, I fucked her back to where we started.
Night falls.
(falling, falling)
The bars call.
(calling, calling)
More drinks, more sinks.
More deceptive thoughts I think.
An asshole at heart.
I keep it undercover.
I miss you.
I love you.
Come on over.
She said, "Tell me that you love me when you're sober.
She said, "Tell me that you love me when hungover."
But love is only real to me when I'm making it,
So take it, girl. Bend over.

I'm in love.
I'm in love.
I'm in love with the idea of fucking you up.
Whether I'm falling in or out, I'm in love.

"I said I loved you. What happend?
You said you loved me. What happened?!"
I put a spell on you, girl, like magic,
But you believed it to be real.
Now that's tragic.

That's the funny thing
You're always falling
Trying to get up,
But you're always falling.
And if you're standing then it's stagnant,
Standstill, numbness.
So just let go.
Keep falling.

I restored her faith in humanity?
I oughtta win the award for calamity.
I'm always bored
No matter what we did.
I could not afford to wife her up and have a kid.
I restored her faith in humanity?
I was molding the next Casey Anthony.
I cannot afford to remain in this discord.
Who's that talkin? My vanity/insanity.
It's not my fault that I let her go.
It's not my fault. I had to tell her so.
She said, "Little do you know, it takes two to tango,"
So I told her in this case,
She better learn the Macarena.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 51

You cannot miss what you cannot recall. 

Was it ever even there at all?

- afm

nursery in five four five

the things left unsaid 
are things we forget
while out of our heads
we'll feel no regret

silence is golden
gold is no token
hearts have been stolen
crumpled and broken

pick up the pieces
and keep them in place
once pain decreases
we'll open the case

in which they were kept
so safe and so sound
in which they have slept
and cannot be found

now much like our script
our hearts we forget
from our chests they slipped
we'll feel no regret.

- afm

take a deep breath

I drown myself in you.










I drown in you.




















I drown.

- afm

oh my sword

wrap your hands around my neck/ conduct to me what you'd expect/ to receive/ i can beg/ i can plead/ i can be the wreckage/ constructed beneath the sheets/ you know you want/ you know you want me/ but the feeling you crave/ is what you negate/ and once you obtain it/ you swiftly refrain/ but it's your flagrant need/ to be punished/ that keeps me going/ so keep me coming/ keep me coming/ lead me back to the start/ before this numbing oneness departs/ i don't want to feel real/ i don't want to feel anything/ i don't want to feel/ a thing/ so wrap your hands around my neck/ conduct to me what you'd expect/ to receive/ i can beg/ i can plead/ i can be the message/ you wish to concede/ you know you want/ you know you want me/ to fall on my own/ to fall on my own words/ to fall on my own sword

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 50

ALEX: Pancakes are pointless in a world full of waffles.

_____: HOW DARE YOU DEFILE THE NAME OF PANCA-
Please tell me you aren't serious.

ALEX: Hey, all I'm saying is that one actually holds the syrup in place while the other lets it spill out.

_____: Life is messy.

ALEX: Sure, when you allow it, but if you have the means to avert it, then you should utilize them. In this case, we have waffle irons. It is far easier to make a waffle than a pancake.

_____: I don't like the idea of waffle irons.

ALEX: Why the heck not?

_____: I can make a pancake into any shape I desire. That's a privilege I do not wish to lose. I will not sacrifice my freedom for convenience.

ALEX: Sometimes you have to. Life is messy.

- afm

lie to me lie to me lie to me

pussy

on the run

i find myself running/ looking over my shoulder/ when there's nobody chasing me/ is that the reason for why i'm looking/ am i afraid to be caught/ or am i afraid of the fact that/ no one is trying to catch me at all/ all at once reality strikes me/ a brazen epiphany/ a symphony blaring out the outside/ controlling my newfound stride/ i let the rhythm take me/ depict my emotions/ depict each movement/ as i move in and out of sync/ out of sync/ out of place/ out of touch/ this was all too much for me to digest/ so here i digress/ i digress/ i digress/ im so unimpressed with the lack of endurance/ that i thought i had gained/ throughout this grueling process/ stop and take a minute/ try to fixate on breathing/ try to dictate your breaths/ try to focus on what lies ahead/ not the distance/ in which to reach "success"/ try to keep your head high/ keep it light/ don't let the weight in your chest/ run you down/ past your feet/ to the ground/ where you can feel the weight of each step/ run you down/ run you down/ to the ground/ i've been running while turning/ while my feet were still burning/ to my heart's contest/ i run when i feel empty/ so i'm running on empty/ that's why every step/ is heavier than the last/ i need to rest/ i need a rest/ i need rest/ rest

- afm

Naked Room

I can't sleep in this room.
It has never been mine.
I can't sleep in this tomb.
The floor twists my spine.
I can't sleep in this cell.
Your scent has me confined.
I can't sleep in this hell
Without you by my side.

Two weeks more -
When her fragrance subsides -
I'll move off the floor,
And kiss her goodnight.

Goodnight,
And goodbye.

- afm

a handful of muses

a handful of muses
i crushed
in my hands
i abused it
the privilege
that is
to use them
at my own
free will
will they be able
to disable my will
and find freedom
in something
they cannot distill
only time
will tell
so whisper
in my ear
and speak sincerely
i cannot
risk losing
a muse so dear
she won't
come twice
she won't
reappear.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 49

Relationships are much like light years. They cannot be measured in distance.

- afm

comfort in company

one more sip and i'll be on my way/ to requiting your submissive ways/ maybe next time/ you will learn/ to right your wrongs/ and take a turn/ and churn the shoulder/ dust to bones/ lust to stone/ we must dispose/ dismiss your trust/ and everything you have ever known/ you can only burn down the structure for so long/ before the fire becomes your home

your bones will find new homes in the catacombs/ they'll be merry where i bury them

- afm

cheap pills, cheap thrills

take a pill/ ain't it still/ the one damned thing that makes me feel real/ makes me feel ill/ makes me feel right/ comin alive/ frankenstein/ against my own will/ suicide pill/ drowning all my sorrows in tomorrow's drill/ what is the deal/ when will i fill/ the frame that is hollow when i swallow these pills/ i wallow in guilt/ i wallow in guilt/ i wallow in guilt/ my blood has been spilt/ clean it up

fill up my cup

don't look inside/ live or let die/ give me one second to recognize/ that i'm still alive/ the feeling subsides/ so i try to chase it down as i choke on the knife/ real life/ real strife/ one more pill to revive/ come alive/ frankenstein/ recharge my batteries/ i'm nature's entity/ forge my identity/ build me up chemically/ build me up

fill up my cup

gin and tonic/ supersonic/ brain waves/ brain slave/ abstain from chronic/ gin is demonic/ tastes like pine forest/ pining for solace/ i find it ironic/ that i take pills/ cheap thrills/ old news/ same deal/ cop a feel/ fill me up/ build me up/ cut me down/ achilles' heel/ et tu, brutus/ you're just a crude bitch/ i ain't bein' ruthless/ that's just how you're viewed bitch/ you're not my new bitch/ you're just some nude bitch/ who takes it form behind/ that's why you feel blind/ when i redefined the word "relationship"/ relate to this/ clean me up/ build me up/ take it all/ all fours/ no face/ no name/ no bra/ fill me up

fill up my cup

take a pill/ ain't it still/ the one damned thing that makes me feel real/ makes me feel ill/ makes me feel right/ alright/ all bright/ all light/ heads fly/ heads fly/ heads fly/ heads fly/ heads fly/ heads fly/ heads fly/ never die

pour out my cup

web

design. sit. wait. capture. prepare. devour. dispose. abandon.

humans. we are not so different from the spider.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 48

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

ALEX: It's funny how you can reach out to someone only to discover that they were never there. 

_____: Or maybe they are there, but just don't want to be found.

ALEX: What if you were reaching out because you wanted to be found?

_____: 

_____: 

ALEX: Hello?

_____: 

_____: 

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

Funny.

- afm

To Wake, To Dream

There's a hole where my heart is
If home is where the heart is.
I filled it up with empty faces,
But the contents dribbled out.
I found shelter in embraces
But no comfort in said places,
So once again I'm craving solace,
But all I find is doubt.

Poor boy, close your eyes.
The world always looks better from the inside.
Poor boy, keep them closed.
There's no fear of the unexposed.

There's a hole where I once stood.
I'd stop falling if I could.
When I'm falling I'm not moving,
Yet I'm moving all the time.
I found shelter in the landing,
But no comfort where I'm standing,
I've been planning my escape,
But I am too afraid to climb.

Poor boy, close your eyes.
The world always looks better from the inside.
Poor boy, keep them closed.
There's no fear of the unexposed.

She's carrying the carriage
To the cliff where she disparaged
All the truth she never wanted,
All the youth she had forgotten.
She'll carry me there,
And she'll cradle my head
And put me to bed
While singing a soft lullaby.
Yeah, it'll all be alright
Once I'm sleeping through the outside.

"Focus on my breathing
As our pulses start beating
Together,
And dream of me tonight."

Just because I never sleep
Doesn't mean I'll never dream.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 47

A mere second ago.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN 

Sometimes I backtrack. I try so hard not to, but hands contain their own minds at times. I look at old ramblings, but it appears I am conversing inward. Was I cast on the outside? Was I that lonely? Have my movements been moved? Have the roots been uprooted? Does the past never last? Or is fiction my new addiction?

I love the contrast. I hate my eviction.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

I am sorry for what I have done, and for what I will never do.

- afm

scribble scribble scri

this is twice now since the last time i was scribbling out the pages that took me ages to write i compiled compilations of endless situations but i defiled the truth i was claiming to find i mistook every gesture as a sardonic motion proving that i think each movement moves around me now what have i proven absolutely nothing nothing other than the fact that i crave to be lonely it's the only way i know how to live it's the only way i can hope to survive because if i ever reach the peak then what more will i seek if there's no more mountain to climb will i perch atop the tallest tree and watch the world move beneath me out of range from its judgment out of control's orbit or better yet will i chase my regrets stand up take a breath and dive dive and let the current take me dive and be a slave to the sky will the wind carry my limbs off to safety or will my body splatter on the ground like a fly on the windshield of a speeding car afar afar afar from the origin of what was in question this is thrice now and even i am uninterested can i be done now i am finished

- afm

Smokescreens in the Desert

I walked for so many centuries/ For so many centuries I walked and found nothing/ on the inside/ On the inside is where I should have been searching/ I walked for thousands of centuries/ I stopped tracing my steps once I noticed I made a ring/ a ring with my footprints/ I was just circling/ tracing the outlines/ outside of my own mind/ in fear of my own thoughts surfacing/ I walked for millions of centuries/ I walked and found nothing/ but trampled pavement/ flattened foreground/ I took a chance on not a thing/ Not a thing will change me/ All of this walking/ all of this distance only to find/ my direction is aimless/ My mission is empty/ empty as my steps/ empty as my mind

- afm

Sellout

I bought a book to read your thoughts.
I bought a harp to pull your strings.
I bought a knife to cut you out.
I bought a plane to find myself.
I bought a house to have an outlet
While hiding behind walls
I never put up.
I bought a lamp, but not a plug.
This could have been enlightening.

I bought a gun to shoot my foot.

- afm

The Alex Show - Episode 46

Fragments. Never trust someone with the whole.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

_____: You broke my heart.

ALEX: It was never mine to break. I never stole your heart, _____.

_____: You don't have to take something in order to possess it.

ALEX: I never asked for it.

_____: You don't have to want something in order to possess it, either.

ALEX: Funny.

_____: What about this is funny to you?

ALEX: The whole idea of giving your heart to someone. There are too many fallacies. You can't open your heart to someone without it breaking. If your heart truly is broken, _____, there is nothing I can do to fix it, but you can still pick up the pieces.

_____: And do what with them? 

ALEX: Distribute accordingly.

FLASH FLASH FLASH SPIN SPIN SPIN

Fragments. I picked up some of my own. I still have the pieces.

- afm