Sunday, February 28, 2010

time holds the truth in a lifetime of fiction

if it's change that you want then you better hit the streets/ you can sleep in the ground or in bags/ for as far as im concerned this is all for the best/ if you're gone then the household is blessed/ carry the cancer/ distribute as planned/ unaware that the contents have drowned these hands/ in these hands i hold wisdom that withers to sand/ like dust after fleeing from skin/ here within my tarnished casing/ don't ask me what i am becoming

this cancer has shifted from ridden to worse/ it has moved from my throat to my heart/ if you're searching for answers then tap out the hearse/ before my infection departs with my body/ with each filling/ fill me up till my voice starts to burst past the boundaries/ send the billing/ to my nearest of kin/ here within my abandoned building/ don't ask me what i am becoming

oh, i bet they'll be here any minute now/ with interest in my troubled fate/ but not for the passing of my timely existence/ but more for my rising estate/ here within my abundant decay/ don't ask me what i am becoming

"where have you been?
where have you been?!"/ a silent reply as i take it on the chin/ "don't worry, doc/ we'll take him from here"/ a lock of the door and a "hold still, amor/ disappear! disappear! disappear!"

- afm

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Allusion, Illusion

Far beyond my reach, soaring above the wintry peaks of lurid reflection, floats a cherished dream. Deceptive though it seems, to grasp it is worth the rigid journey to the top, and so I set out willing to endure the mountain before me. My sense of longing reaches its brim upon every step. It is painfully rewarding - both agonizing and exceedingly so - to face the frigid mountain air and the despairing winds. If anything, they make me more alive - an arduous yet bearable advantage. When I turn to gaze below my feet to see all that I have overcome, all I see is white; a niveous mystery of the past that blinds the present into uncertainty. It is here I sit, with shaken head and muddled mind, that I lose my footing and fall back to the start. It is here I sit and long for that sweet embrace of the foreign sky to shine its radiance upon my skin. It is here I sit and rest beside reality mixing present with past and past with fantasy. It is here I sit, tangled in allusion/illusion, and fixate on nothing more than a cherished dream. It is here I sit. It is here I sit. It is here I sit.

- afm

Friday, February 26, 2010

Sonnet February 26, 2010

On a restless night deep within the wood,
Long before the time of our savior's birth,
There waited a dame who so calmly stood
Betwixt the branches in her boastful mirth.

On the eve of war she capered and sang
As her heels punctured the unspoiled earth.
Then forthwith the sound of her voice constrained
She fell to the ground with her shoulders girthed.

On the brink of bliss the parasites came
And mangled her wrists, devoured her worth.
In being the host, this now pillaged dame
Became the lost ghost of man's folly cursed.

The moral herein in words simply terse:
Do not trust a ground where the crowds disperse.

- Alexander McCurdy

Friday, February 19, 2010

shells are sold by the river (and bliss is only sold in jars)

a song from January, 2008 that i am reviving:

buy in and place your bets down/ drown the water/ bury me under/ call me out (cards held out) by the river/ walk just like peter/ sharpen and shiver/ oh, you’re selling me out, but I won’t tell

what is this place/ where you left me so cold and betrayed/ your insolence is deafening/ what would I give to save your core/ how does one render souls/ by the right hand of god, i will endeavor to love her/ what more could I endure

convincing grin/ you're a specimen to inspecting men/ a hand-held to them/ benumbing medicine/ you're as fake as the smile you cringe/ you’re letting go/ with such disdain, you know

what is this place/ where you left me so cold and betrayed/ your insolence is deafening/ what would I give to save your core/ how does one render souls/ by the right hand of god, i will endeavor to love her/ what more could I endure

you came and you saw/ but you didn’t conquer anything at all/ you discovered a destructive spectacle

- afm

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What is my life?!

I just came to the sad realization that I have been back in my hometown for almost a year now and I have accomplished hardly anything. What is my life?!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Sonnet, February 14, 2010

If you claim to have known me at my best
Then daresay you have met me at my worst
Where my candid speech, each subtle word stressed,
Had not been instinct, but gravely rehearsed.

My snakelike nature and my moth-like dress
Devise runic face and this two-pronged tongue.
Both these attributes can surely attest
My now blackened heart and bare, beaten lungs.

Asphyxiate the soul if need it rest.
Tell God in Heaven to anon portend
Any sign of passing, in my distress,
The lowly discourse which I condescend.

How highly a prayer to swiftly impend
If crossing the line 'tween lover and friend.

- Alexander McCurdy

Friday, February 12, 2010

set up

You're gonna keep asking me questions until you find an answer that you don't like.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Alex Show - Episode 25

Anatomy of a Nightmare pt. II

I am confined in sickness; diseased in this bedridden state. An unyielding affliction grasps my throat, suppressing my breath with a serpentine squeeze. This feeling is rooted in me, though its origin is lost in wild thought. Somehow I remain inanimate, and I know today will be no different than any other. Cursed oblivion.

With a reluctant pace, I stumble toward the bathroom. The doorknob is frozen, and it shatters as I cradle it in my hand. In my frigid indifference I continue to make the turning motion and step inside. I stand before the mirror and say, "Aaaaaaaah," examining the area of my gum where my wisdom teeth once laid compacted two years prior. Nothing appears to be out of place, and I wonder what urged me to inspect my mouth to begin with. I am bored in my curiosity, and so I go on with my daily bathroom routine.

There is a lion in the basement.

X amount of hours later...

My gum is swollen behind my lower jaw, pushing its skin past my teeth. Every time my mouth closes I release a silent scream. I am desperate to find a cure. I find my sister upstairs in my younger brother's room and inform her of my current discomfort and my severed solution. She is certain I am exaggerating.

"You think that's bad? Try being on your period. You don't know real pain until you've experienced cramps," she scoffs heedlessly as she rolls her eyes.

I am frantic. Discounting my pain does not make it cease. In fact, my frenzied condition forces me to fixate on my pain, increasing its volume unbearably. I must prove to her that my affliction is no flouting matter, and so I open my mouth wide as possible, and press down. From here, I cannot fully express the amount of blood that flows from me or how lengthy a tissue hangs from the hole in my gum. I am engulfed in my pain as the roseate stream of my sickness carries me to a cure, yet drowns me in disdain.

There is a lion in my bed.

- afm

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Alex Show - Episode 24


I'm flying
, or so I thought. "I wish I was, but I don't know how it happens," I told her. "It just does sometimes."

"Will you tell me about it the next time it happens?" she asked.

"Of course I will," I answered.

"I want to be the first to know about it," she said greedily.

"Well, I hope I can take you one day."

"I hope so, too!"

"And maybe once I learn how it works, I can show you how, and we can fly together. Then we'll never have to worry about disappearing... we can just fly away."


I have been up for over thirty-six hours now. I know that's not helping. I'm not in the right state of mind, but I cannot sleep or maybe I'm not trying hard enough. My head hurts, and my feelings hurt, and I want to transfer that pain. No, I do not want to rid of it. I want to pass it on. I want to. I want someone to hurt and I want to be the cause of their hurt. I want to feel better because of it. Ironic thing is, you are the only person I would never want to hurt, but chances are, reading this will hurt you.

- afm

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Alex Show - Episode 23

Every night at 11:11 I wish that all of my old wishes will finally come true.

That's not a true story, but it sounded emo/mildly gay enough to make it into my blog. Truth be told, I never wish for anything anymore.

And now, an excerpt from the past that never was, but may as well have been:

"This place was a mess," I calmly tell her, "a clutter of shuffled papers, candy wrappers, and names you have long forgotten. Your room is far colder than the rest of this house. Your window is not to blame. It may be February still, but it is warmer outside than where we are standing. Well, at least it was, but now I am comfortable. I feel full. I think these shelves are the difference. I think these shelves are here to help."

"I never wished for help!" she snaps, finally on the verge of breaking. "I only wish for things that I know can happen. I cannot be helped, Alex, let alone by a shelf!"

"That is not the point of a wish," I counter, holding her by the shoulders and pulling her close. "A wish is allowed to be selfish, impossible even! A wish should be a miracle."

"What would you know about wishing?! You never wish for anything anymore! You mean to tell me these shelves are miraculous?! That is stupid, Alex. Stupid!"

There. A little present for you, but now we must venture back to the present. Sorry. Truthfully, I am, but we cannot live in screenplays forever. Sometimes our lives are simply not poetic enough. This is nice. Talking like a normal person talks. It feels so relieving. I haven't addressed an audience without a flash or a spin in some time now - at least not within an actual episode. Most times I speak this freely are usually during threats of cancellation, but considering how my show is soon to be canceled sometime soon, I have no purpose to end it prematurely. At the same time I do not intend to let it mature any further. If anything really, the show has regressed within itself. I mean, I am quoting a good length of a previous episode within this episode. What does that say about ratings? For instance, The Office (NBC) had "great ratings" for their last episode, but all that episode did was recap "the best of" moments from other episodes - even some from other seasons! Luckily this is an 8,760/365 show (as opposed to a 24/7 in-season show (which also do not exist)). We truly are topnotch here.

ASIDE: Maybe The Alex Show should be moved to NBC. Then no one will be surprised when we get taken off the air.

Unfortunately, I am referring to quotes from this time last year because my show AKA my "life" is not nearly as exciting as it used to be, and now with yet another lead role doing bigger and better things, I do not know if me, myself, and I will be enough to keep you occupied. A humble thanks to any of you who still stop by and say hi from time to time. It's good to know that at least one person is tuning in to read what I have to say about my so-called life. That was a television show, too, right? My So-Called Life? Anyways, I really have nothing else to say... not like I really had anything to say to begin with, so I will leave you with this thought: I have given up on miracles. Is this growing up?

- afm