I woke up this morning to find a pedophile in a giant bunny suit hiding exuberantly colored hard-boiled eggs in my backyard. I took out my shotgun as I do when I see any pedophile (or bunny for that matter), and told the bastard to get off of my property. He started rambling on about an epiphany or something or other, so I safely concluded that he was absolutely out of his mind (as if dressing up in a giant bunny suit was not evidence enough). Anyways, he refused to leave and started bribing me with straw baskets filled with marshmallow baby chicks, plastic eggshells containing CVS brand jelly beans, and hollow chocolate bunnies. Tired of his manic shenanigans, I shot him in the face. Two seconds later God smote me. Turns out that the Easter bunny is Jesus after all. Fuck my life.
- Alex McCurdy
ps. I gave up sacrifice for Lent... five years in a row. That might have something to do with all of this.