why does Santa eat cookies? is that all he ever eats? it would certainly explain his incredible obesity. who made it a rule to bake cookies for Santa in the first place? who in the hell do you think you are?! what if i wanted to make him brownies or prepare a fruit salad? could he not indulge himself in them due to the lousy cookie rule? my good friend's sister just baked three delicious batches of cookies, and i want to eat them really badly, but apparently we're leaving them out for good ol saint nick. what did he do to deserve these cookies? nothing saintly, i'm sure of it. oh yeah, he delivers presents to young boys and girls around the world. BIG WHOOP! i donate to charity. i build houses for the handicap. i help elderly couples cross the street. and i do it all for free... or even pay to do it! does Santa pay to deliver toys? NO, he exchanges them for cookies! you're a fat phony, Santa! i bet you don't even share your billions of cookies with the reindeer hauling your fat ass all around the globe. you're a real bastard, Santa, and i hope the pterodactyls knock your holly jolly elephantine ass right out of the sky, and feed you to their baby pterodactyls whom you didn't even leave gifts for just because they didn't leave out any cookies for your greedy stump-face, and instead, slaved in the kitchen all evening long baking you a wonderful chicken and rice casserole that you didn't even touch, you picky cookie-eating whore!
ps. Dear Santa, i want a trip to Costa Rica to save the sea turtles. make it happen you cheap fuck!